Rebuilding Broken Trust: The Psychology of How We Build (and Break) It
Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Whether it’s in a marriage, a friendship, with a family member, in a working partnership or with yourself, trust is crucial. It allows us to be vulnerable. It helps us be open and connected. But when that trust is damaged through betrayal, dishonesty, or disappointment, the road to healing is long and steep. Thankfully, rebuilding broken trust is possible, but it requires understanding the psychology of how trust is formed, broken, and restored.
In this article, we’ll explore the foundational elements of trust. We will discuss what causes it to break and the psychological fallout of betrayal. We will also provide practical steps for rebuilding broken trust. Whether you’re trying to repair a fractured relationship or heal from one, understanding the science behind trust can help.
What Is Trust in a Relationship?
Trust is the belief that someone will act in your best interest. It’s not just about truth-telling, although that does matter. It’s about consistency, safety, and the belief that you can rely on another person emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically (Rempel, Holmes, & Zanna, 1985).
You don’t trust someone just because they say the right things. You trust them because, over time, their actions match their words. This deep level of relational security is built gradually, through repeated experiences of dependability and honesty (Lewicki & Bunker, 1996).
The Psychology Behind Trust Formation
Psychologists describe trust as a layered process that forms through repeated interactions. According to Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, trust begins in infancy. A child whose needs are consistently met learns that the world is safe and people can be trusted (Erikson, 1950). This foundation lays the groundwork for how we experience trust throughout our lives.
Later in life, trust is developed based on:
- Predictability – Does the person follow through?
- Transparency – Are they open and honest?
- Boundaries – Do they respect personal and emotional limits?
- Empathy – Can they understand and validate your feelings?
Neuroscience also plays a role. Oxytocin, often called the “trust hormone,” is released during positive social bonding experiences. The more positive interactions we have with someone, the more oxytocin is released, reinforcing our trust in them (Zak, 2005).
Signs of a Trustworthy Person
Before we discuss rebuilding broken trust, it’s worth identifying the traits of someone who is trustworthy. Whether you’re choosing a life partner, a business collaborator, or a friend, here are qualities to look for:
- Integrity – They do the right thing, even when no one is watching.
- Consistency – Their behavior is steady and dependable over time.
- Accountability – They admit when they’re wrong and take steps to make it right.
- Empathy – They listen without judgment and show compassion.
- Respect – They honor your boundaries, feelings, and time.
Trustworthy people may not be perfect, but they are willing to be honest about their imperfections. They take responsibility, communicate clearly, and show up…especially when it matters most (Luhmann, 1979).
How Betrayal Affects Future Relationships
Betrayal is more than just a break in a promise. It’s a psychological wound. Betrayal can manifest as infidelity, lies, neglect, or abandonment. It cuts deep because it violates a foundational sense of safety (Finkel, Rusbult, Kumashiro, & Hannon, 2002).
The aftermath of betrayal often includes:
- Hypervigilance – A constant scanning for signs of deception.
- Emotional numbing – A protective shutdown to avoid further pain.
- Trust issues – Difficulty forming new close relationships.
- Projection – Attributing the traits of the betrayer to new people.
- Self-blame – Internalizing guilt for not seeing it coming.
Left unaddressed, betrayal can lead to chronic stress, depression, and anxiety (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). It can also cause people to isolate or build emotional walls that block intimacy.
But here’s the good news: You are not doomed to remain in a state of distrust forever. Healing is possible. And rebuilding broken trust can be achieved with the same person. It can also be achieved with others in the future. This process can lead to stronger, more intentional relationships.
Rebuilding Broken Trust: A Path Toward Healing
Rebuilding broken trust isn’t just about forgiveness or forgetting what happened. It’s a deliberate and often difficult process that involves both the betrayer and the betrayed. Here are the essential steps.
1. Acknowledge the Hurt
The first step in rebuilding broken trust is facing the truth. This means acknowledging the betrayal without minimizing it. Both parties must recognize the depth of the pain and why it mattered (McCullough, Worthington, & Rachal, 1997).
- For the betrayer: Offer a sincere apology. Avoid excuses and focus on the impact.
- For the betrayed: Give voice to your emotions. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help process the grief.
2. Establish Honest Communication
Open dialogue is essential. Ask hard questions. Listen without defensiveness. Create a safe space where both people can speak truthfully without fear of judgment.
- Use “I” statements instead of blame-based language.
- Be specific about needs and boundaries going forward.
The goal is not to rehash the betrayal but to understand what led to it and what must change (Finkel et al., 2002).
3. Set New Boundaries
Boundaries are not punishments; they’re protections. After trust is broken, new boundaries must be agreed upon and respected.
- Rebuild slowly: Don’t expect trust to return overnight.
- Be consistent: Follow through on promises and agreed-upon changes.
- Respect space: Sometimes healing requires distance.
4. Rebuild Through Actions, Not Words
Trust is earned through consistent behavior over time. Anyone can say they’ve changed, but change is proven through action (Lewicki & Bunker, 1996).
- Show up on time.
- Be where you say you’ll be.
- Communicate clearly and regularly.
- Make amends through consistent effort.
Remember, you’re not rebuilding the old relationship, you’re constructing a new one with stronger foundations.
5. Practice Patience and Grace
Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line. There will be setbacks, triggers, and moments of doubt. But if both people are willing to stay engaged, progress is possible.
- Celebrate small wins – each step forward matters.
- Be kind to yourself – self-forgiveness is just as important as forgiving others.
- Seek support – counseling, support groups, or mentors can provide guidance.
With patience, honesty, and sustained effort, rebuilding broken trust can lead to a more resilient and compassionate connection than before.
Can Every Relationship Be Saved?
Unfortunately, not every relationship survives betrayal. Sometimes, the damage is too deep, or the behaviors that led to the betrayal persist. In those cases, the healthiest choice may be to let go and focus on healing individually.
Even if the relationship ends, the process of rebuilding broken trust within yourself still matters. You can learn to trust your instincts again, set healthier boundaries in the future, and enter new relationships from a place of strength, not fear (Levine & Heller, 2010).
Final Thoughts: Rebuilding Broken Trust Is a Journey Worth Taking
Trust is fragile—but it’s also resilient. While it may shatter under the weight of betrayal, it can also be rebuilt with truth, time, and intentional effort. Rebuilding broken trust isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about creating a future where honesty, respect, and love have a chance to thrive.
If you’re in the process of healing, take heart. You are not alone. Many have walked this road before you—and emerged stronger, wiser, and more compassionate because of it.
Recommended Resource
For further reading on emotional healing and setting healthy boundaries, consider Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It’s a powerful book that explains why we trust the way we do and how to build secure connections.
Rebuilding Trust Takes Intention: Start with This Free Worksheet
If you’re ready to take the next step, download our free Rebuilding Broken Trust Worksheet linked at the bottom of this article. This step-by-step guide walks you through processing the hurt, identifying core needs, communicating openly, setting boundaries, and taking daily actions that rebuild trust. Whether you’re healing alone or with a partner, this practical resource will help you move forward with intention and clarity.
Explore More
Check out our other articles on emotional resilience, healthy communication, and navigating relationship challenges—because healing your heart is part of living Healthy in Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul.
Deceit in Relationships: Dealing with Deceitful People(Opens in a new browser tab)
Calorie Awareness: The Key to Mindful Eating(Opens in a new browser tab)
Biblical Healing Diet: A Spiritual Approach to Wellness(Opens in a new browser tab)
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References
Baumeister, R. F., Exline, J. J., & Sommer, K. L. (1998). The victim role, grudge theory, and two dimensions of forgiveness. In E. L. Worthington Jr. (Ed.), Dimensions of forgiveness: Psychological research and theological perspectives (pp. 79–104). Templeton Foundation Press.
Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and society. W. W. Norton & Company.
Finkel, E. J., Rusbult, C. E., Kumashiro, M., & Hannon, P. A. (2002). Dealing with betrayal in close relationships: Does commitment promote forgiveness? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(6), 956–974. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.82.6.956
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
Lewicki, R. J., & Bunker, B. B. (1996). Developing and maintaining trust in work relationships. In R. M. Kramer & T. R. Tyler (Eds.), Trust in organizations: Frontiers of theory and research (pp. 114–139). Sage Publications.
Luhmann, N. (1979). Trust and power. John Wiley & Sons.
McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 321–336. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.2.321
Rempel, J. K., Holmes, J. G., & Zanna, M. P. (1985). Trust in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49(1), 95–112. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.49.1.95
Zak, P. J. (2005). Trust: A temporary emotion. The Edge Annual Question – 2005. https://www.edge.org/response-detail/11065
